around the world in 80 ways

Something very strange happened last week. My mother had brought my Alumnae Magazine over to us and I read in it about an ex-friend. In fact, she was one of my two best friends at Smith, but I hadn't spoken with her in over a decade. Recently for some reason, not having thought of her in years and using her newfound married name, I googled her. To my shock, I discovered she died from breast cancer last month (literally around when I started thinking of her).

The year after graduation and the year of our estrangement, we both spent working on Capitol Hill. It was a terrible year for me. I had NO money working in a government job (be it a glam one), my student loans I found had gone bad WHILE I was still in school, my mother offered no support as she had never approved of my going to college and found it embarrassing that I worked in politics,
my long term alzheimer's patient father died the November, I became involved in an abusive relationship with a powerful man in a nearby office, I hated passionately the georgetown student share ghetto house I lived in. (hang on reader, it turns around) Aside from the networking and the parties, everything was black. In fact, if I look at the ten years that have passed since college graduation. They have not been fun. There have been tests and pain and poverty and alienation and loneliness..up until really purely, this last year. Which for the first time in my life is a nice time. A normal time. A decent, respectable and stable time and I'm so appreciative of all the things which must bore other people, because to me little things like a sunday roast or knowing your local mailman are exotic and exquisite little joys.
Much like, when I went to the little Methodist Sunday School. I was never in the 'in' click. I was maybe - too much--trips to Europe, always reading classics, going to the Opera, relatives with titles..I'd never fit in but I so enjoyed the wholesome innocence of all of my peers there. I felt right at home, though I doubt that they saw me as one of them. I suppose it was the same with this friend and that is why when she altered like a chameleon in her new job, I didn't fit in.


Only now in hindsight, do I realize that it seems quite common for people to have a friend from college who completely changes and with whom you fall out of contact - some to be recovered on facebook and some becoming like urban myths-stories passed on from other ex-mutual friends at the bi-annual drinks or at alum get togethers.

The funny thing that's come out of all of this is... Here we are ten years later and this fre-nemy, who had it 'quite easy'...a well paid handsome husband, a house, kids,etc. She's dead and me, I'm still alive. I'm alive.
Not to sound like a Resnais film ...

I also, realized that you can be a loser in your twenties but a winner in your thirties or a winner in your twenties and a loser in your thirties. Someone, who can date well and make lots of cash may be unable to experience intimacy or have the determination and negotiating skills to retain a marriage scenario. Life doesn't get decided at college graduation or at 30 or even in your 50s. Look at Nora Effron or the latest Mrs. Juliani or even, an over the hill broke middle aged C List Actor well past his prime... became RONALD REAGAN, who like him or not went on to be a two time president and happily married.

I wish all of the deceased's family peace and most of all, I wish her peace and I forgive her for whatever secrets she didn't want me knowing or judging or whatever she felt she could gain by staying in her place.